Thursday, August 27, 2015


In just one month our life has completely changed. We've eased seamlessly into the new normal of three kids in school. It's truly a full act in every ring from getting three fed, packed, and out the door to rolling in with three homework folders and backpacks full of playground booty. Rocks and bottle caps mostly. I think my son's backpack weighs more than him when fully packed.

The biggest fight in the morning is getting my daughter to brush her hair. She won't let me touch her hair; only her father is allowed, apparently. Whatever.
Hot mess on Aisle 3
I don't really know how to girl, anyhow. Our morning conversations often sound like this:

Fiona, go brush your hair. 
NO. It'll hurt. 
A bird is going to land in your hair. GO BRUSH IT! 
Yeah, Fiona, you don't want birds in your hair, Owen says.

And she stomps off in a snit.

Did you use the detangler, Fiona? I ask. 
Fiona uses defanger? Owen asks. Come to think of it, that may be just what we need. 

Every time I catch you teasing your brother, I will take five minutes off your tablet time, I tell Fiona. She thought it over and then asked, How many times do I have to tease him to lose a whole hour of tablet time? So apparently tablet time and teasing her brother are equally fun. 

Mom, it's MY cat, Fiona said.
Um, no, it's the family's cat. 
I picked her out. 
Oh, well then, you can start scooping her poop. 
She's your cat, Fiona replied. That's what I thought!

Get away from me, Owen. Are you blind? Can't you see where I am? Fiona wails. Oh, the girl drama.

And "Duh" has become part of her vocabulary. I have a 6-year-old tween. My youngest is also getting over his mommy.

I want to sit next to dad. I've had enough of you, mom, Owen says. All righty. 

I hate gravity, says Owen, who lost his mind when his book bag wouldn't stay on the chair.

Mom, there's no such thing as no, Danny informs me after I decided not to take the kids to the skate park. I tried to keep a straight face.

My sweet boy who used to read to our pets is now taking out his boy energy on them.

Molly, keep your hands to yourself, Owen says as he lightly kicks her.
Don't kick the dog. And she doesn't have hands.

Don't put the cat in a headlock, Owen. 

He also picks up on everything on the radio, unfortunately. After hearing a commercial for a nudie bar that asked "Who wants to see half-naked ladies?", he had this to say:
If they go out without their shirts, they'll be arrested, mom.

Mom, Fiona is doing this to me, says Danny making air quotes with his fingers.
Do you even know what that means? I ask.
No. I turn to Fiona.
Do you know what that means? I ask her.
So you're both upset and you have no idea why? And I cannot even figure out how to explain air quotes to them.

And, finally, this ... 

Mom, Fiona is saving her cotton candy so that we will whine later.

A common Fiona taunting tactic. A common Danny response. This sums up the dynamic among my children so well.

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