Monday, May 09, 2011

Diary of an omniturnal mom

Why mommy can never get anything done 'round here (or why mommy's laundry NEVER gets folded)

Wednesday morning
It's raining. And the van's battery is dead.

So far, mommy has said nothing to the kids about this dead battery. She's positive, however, that they sense there is no escape for mommy this morning. She can tell already and she's still in bed with the baby. The older two are making noise in the hallway and mommy can't tell if it's squeals of delight or irritation.

Usually, on a rainy morning, she'll get them out of the house just for the temporary relief of physically restraining them in their car seats while she drinks a cold Diet Coke and eats a Luna bar. Hell, this is a good plan for most mornings, don't you think?

Mommy considers just strapping them all in the van and sitting in the driveway after breakfast.

Nah. Too weird.

After donning wrinkled clothes from a clean basket of her laundry, she dresses the baby and changes Fiona's diaper. The older two dress themselves, which is why Fiona is wearing a red and white I Love NY shirt inside out and backwards with light pink pants. Mommy is trying hard not to twitch.

Mommy fixes the kids' breakfast and sits down with her own breakfast.

"Mom, I want more apple juice," says the boy child. She swears that the children time their requests for when mommy's butt hits a seat.

And the snotty-nosed baby is crawling up her leg. And the girl child is rummaging through the fridge again.

And the requests keep pouring in.

"I want sausage." (Nevermind that boychild NEVER eats his sausage. And then gets upset when I offer it to Fiona who can't get enough sausage.)

"I want cereal with milk." (Nevermind that they rarely ever finish their cereal with milk and dribbles of milk wind up on the table.)

"I want more apple juice." Again. Seriously?? (And EVERY morning, the answer is the same. "Just one glass. Now it's time for water.")

Mean mommy rarely gets up from eating her breakfast to fill any requests. She makes sure the kids have enough food before sitting down. She's hoping that one glorious day something will click and they will realize, "Hey, mommy sits and doesn't get up until she's done eating. Maybe I should try this, too."

Is this really being too optimistic?

Mommy finally finishes her breakfast. Cold coffee, lukewarm eggs, peanut butter toast that the baby has stuck his fingers in. She started allowing him peanut butter at about 11 months old after he put his fingers in her toast and didn't die.

Time to tackle the dishwasher. She really should just wait until the baby takes a nap, but where's the challenge in that? Besides, the morning nap is no longer guaranteed. Baby stands on the dishwasher door, tries to climb in, runs off with and licks all the utensils, throws bowls on the floor. This is why mommy winds up sweeping forks and spoons off the kitchen floor by noon.

Baby goes up for a nap. Laundry comes downstairs for folding.

Two children saunter over, not to help, but to yank clothes out of the basket and declare ownership, presumably so they can fight over the items of clothing now mingling with dog hair on the carpet.

"Who wants to match socks?"

"Me," Danny says. He matches two sets and then wanders off. Meanwhile, Fiona is yanking clothes out and wiping her nose on them. She knocks over a pile of freshly folded clothes.

Mommy wonders why the kids never do this to their father. He can fold laundry, mop floors and collect trash from the whole house while they play quietly in the playroom.

Now she's mad at her husband and he's not even there. And he didn't even do anything wrong. On the contrary, he's way more productive than she is when it comes to housework.

The kids have dumped their dirty clothes in the clean laundry basket and are now running around in their underwear. And wrestling on the rug. And yelping and yodeling. And jumping on the sofa cushions strewn on the floor (despite the fact that there is a perfectly good trampoline in the TV room).

Thankfully, the baby sleeps through all this. By the time he wakes up at 11:30, mommy decides to go ahead and serve lunch. Lunch is the first step in the afternoon nap launching sequence.

Wednesday afternoon

Finally, some relief. The rain lets up. Her dad comes over to test and charge the battery while the kids run around outside in the mud. She manages to get the kids down for naps and she and her dad spend some time sweeping and mopping and cleaning.

Basically wiping the slate clean for the next round.

Deep breath ...

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