Day One

Today I barely spoke to anyone for seven hours. Except for my husband who called me 5 minutes after leaving for school with all three of our kids and opened with "You won't believe this ... " After removing my heart from stomach, I sat for an hour not watching Curious George, chatting with my sister and fighting the urge to be productive.

I did not tell anyone to stop wearing their comforter around the house like a ceremonial robe.

I did not beg anyone to get dressed or, for the love of God, get their shoes on. (Although my daughter's teacher met me in the hall at pick up with the shoes my daughter forgot to wear to dismissal.)

I did not once say "No toys in the kitchen" or "Sit on your bottom" or "Keep your hands to yourself."

I did not talk to anyone while I was in the bathroom.

I did not have to slog through blanket forts and toy mazes.

I did not say "No, we're not buying that" 50 times in the grocery store.

And now that I think of it, I can't remember cursing at all today.

I haven't blogged in over a year for reasons I don't fully understand. Lack of mental energy, though, tops my list of theories. Somehow, when they were little, my mental energy was more intact while physically I was utterly exhausted. I have lots of excuses, but no regrets about my blogging hiatus.

Obviously, my thoughts are turning to what is next for me. I am in that fuzzy place between what I want to do and what I can do right now to lend financial support to my family. I am also in that anxious place of wanting to do everything right away: start my business, clean and declutter top to bottom, repaint bedrooms and bathrooms, sew and knit through my entire stash of fabric and yarn, distill my early blogs into some sort of book, and write. (Yes, I am sort of committing to being "back." Blame my sister who said I should start blogging again.)

So what did I do today?

I swam. I biked. I let Molly dog convince me to rub her belly for 20 minutes. I began to write. I ate lunch. I took a nap. I went into a store, alone, got what I needed and left.

Today was that day. The day I wrote about years ago while slinging an infant and two toddlers around. The day that seemed a mirage. The day I would actually attend to personal hygiene before greeting my children in the kitchen, make breakfast for only myself and gather only my own belongings and get in the car.

That one day has turned into day one of the next phase.