Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy New Year!

The cusp of a new year is always a time of navel gazing, er, I mean, reflection for me. I think of the year gone by, what I wish I'd done better or more often, what I'd like to lose or stop doing or accomplish. I've never been good at keeping resolutions, so I don't make them. Am I being cynical or lazy? Maybe. But when I see the newly resolved joggers panting by my house, I can't help but wonder how much longer I'll be seeing them.

Of course, I'd like to lose 30 pounds and my daily Diet Coke and chocolate ice cream habit. Something tells me that the Diet Coke and chocolate ice cream are NOT canceling each other out as I'd hoped. And after the first three months, breastfeeding doesn't burn quite as many calories. By June, I'll be svelte, I promise. That's my goal anyway.

But mostly I'd like to be a better friend. Someone recently shared that inconsistency and dishonesty are the biggest friendship killers. She was talking about her relationship with God. But I thought of my own friendships. Consistency pretty much went out the window after Dan was born, but still, I'd like to make more of an effort to cultivate friendships.

And honesty? I must admit, if I don't call friends, it's really not them, it's me. I'm scared, not of them, but of losing control of my time. I don't wear a watch, haven't for years. A little ironic, don't you think? I do covet private time with my husband and my son, and, of course, there's sleep. I get so precious little sleep. When the planets align and the baby sleeps all night or takes good naps, I hit my sheets all giddy. Sleep is just so intoxicating. Mostly, my problem is, and always has been, finding a balance between my private time with family and free time to spend with friends.

What can I do differently this year? Where do I start? How do I plan my attack? What has to change in me? All these questions race through my head.

Then it occurs to me that the biggest improvements in my life have truly just happened. The word accomplishment doesn't quite fit here. I never set out to stop drinking or stop smoking all those years ago, but I did. I never tried to those lose 15 pounds, but I did, not because I wanted to be skinnier, but because I wanted to feel healthier. Of course, the pounds came back and brought a few friends (okay, they brought 15 friends).

Two years ago, I set out learn how to be okay with not getting pregnant on my time table. I didn't really wanted to be okay with it, but by the time we got pregnant with Danny in March 2006, I was at peace. Finding out we were pregnant was a blessing, a moment filled with intense gratitude, not an entitlement or a vindication of my long-sought demands. That was a big improvement and I can take credit only for getting out of God's way long enough to let it happen.

So, I guess the best approach to this new year is to strive to continue getting out God's way and letting time take care of itself. And, hopefully, I'll draw closer to some friends and say goodbye to about 30 others.

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