Sunday, November 11, 2012

A glossary of early childhood

There is a certain language that parents develop surrounding the care and feeding of young children. I've been collecting these little gems for years.

Happy hour - the one hour of the day when the kids are playing happily and behaving well. My girlfriends and I have determined that this is usually from 10 to 11 in the morning.

Unhappy hours - the rest of the day.

Fifth circle of hell - what most people call the witching hours of between 4 and 6 p.m.

Bedtime extenders - any request made after being tucked in for food, water, attention or "lost" loveys that are actually hiding beneath the bed sheets.

Emergency poop bath - the only solution to a poop so messy that no amount of wipes will suffice.

Poop check - an attempt to locate a foul odor by checking all bottoms.

Shut-up squares - fig newtons (they just can't make noise when these are in their little mouths.)

Trail mix - what I clean out of the baby's high chair or sweep up off the floor after every meal.

Pee Pee Lifter 2000 - what we call our steam vacuum cleaner.

Drink cart - a nursing mommy on a long car trip who contorts herself into position to keep the baby quiet.

In the poop loop - part of a group that is kept up-to-date on the bowels of another.

Drop zone - any place where we're leaving the children, usually Nana and PopPop's house, and running like hell.

Net thrift - Jim's word for the thrift shop where we pick up old video tapes and DVDs for a quarter a piece. (Yeah, we actually have a VCR.)

window art - the handprints and smears on the kitchen windows. At least it doesn't clutter the house up.

chew toy - what the baby chews on when he's teething

mommy job - any job that requires mommy's help or any job that mommy wants done quickly even though the kids can do it themselves. Mommy reserves the right put on jackets and shoes, wash faces and hands and fasten seat belts if these tasks are not done in a timely manner. And by timely manner, I mean sometime in the 10 minutes after the initial request.

mommy treat - anything that mommy is eating in the bathroom or the hall closet to avoid sharing with the kids.

appetizer course - the frozen vegetables mommy doles out while making dinner just to keep the kids quiet.

Feel free to add your own.

to be continued ... 


Anonymous said...

The VCR goes along with the cassette deck, 8-track, and, of course, turntable we used to use to hear music. Soon the DVD player will join the pile of museum pieces.

Monica said...

we have a VCR, too! and it still works. i keep wondering what the hell we will do when it breaks. your list is fabulous. i would just add that "mommy treat" might also say anything that mommy is eating or drinking in the bathroom... ;o)