On any given day

Walking into my house could very well be like walking into an alternate universe some days. To an outsider, much of what goes on around here makes little sense and appears to defy all the so-called rules of parenting. In fact, people have asked me, "Is it okay that the baby is climbing onto the sofa?" or "Is her shirt on backwards?" or "Is that your phone in the dishwasher?" And the answers are, respectively, yes, of course and isn't that where you keep yours?

So on any given day ...

... if the kids are running around with little to no clothes on, it's not that I haven't done laundry in a while. Making clothing optional is just easier than wrestling them, physically or mentally, into clothes.

... if the fridge or freezer door is open and the baby is gnawing on whatever he can get his hands on, it's not that I forgot to feed him. This is just the easiest way to distract him while I cook meals.  And besides the fridge has a built in timer so ...

... if you hear a beep and me, or my little shadow, Fiona, say, "Fridge time is over," then, well, Mommy is about to close the fridge and it's about to get ugly. And loud.

... if the living room looks as if it's been ransacked with sofa cushions strewn about the floor, don't worry, we haven't been robbed. The kids are just working out their energy on our 20 year old sofa set.

... if there are empty food boxes on the kitchen floor, it's not that I'm a slob. My kids enjoy playing with empty boxes, moreso than the toys we have for them, actually. They actually fight over who'll get the empty butter or pasta boxes.

... if my daughter or son are dressed in mismatched and/or backward clothing and you just have to ask about it, I will proudly tell you that my children dress themselves. Yes, she is only 2. No, I don't lay out clothes for either of them. And, no, I'm not the least bit embarrassed by this.

... if my kids are eating frozen vegetables for a snack, it's not that I'm too lazy to cook. My kids think eating frozen vegetables is a treat. (I know, they're weird. But at least they're eating their vegetables.)

... if my kids are playing with a hand-me-down ball tower that's more than a decade old, rather dirty and has been repaired using the lid from a coffee can, don't feel sorry for them. It's their favorite toy and has outlasted dozens of others with bells and whistles. (probably because mommy and daddy banished most of the toys with bells and whistles.)


... if my son is rolling cars down a book propped over a rolled up rug, it's because we're way too cheap to buy him fancy racetracks. Besides, he just ends up using them as weapons.

... if my 1-year-old is running up and down the couch, don't panic. He has never fallen. And I've just given up on the whole no running on the furniture rule. The only place I can actually restrict running is up the walls because it's physically impossible. For now.

Oh, and that phone in the dishwasher? It's actually the decoy phone -- a defunct phone that fools no one but me on a regular basis. The phone the kids are running around with? That's the real one.