Thursday, March 14, 2013


The Kindergarten Follies edition

Danny has had an interesting couple of weeks at school. We get a report every day. Smileys. Frownies. Straight faces. Color commentary such as the following:

1. Had to warn him twice. Wouldn't stop sniffing children.

Danny, why were you sniffing kids?
I wanted to know what they smelled like. 

2. Pulled pants down and showed girls his bottom.

Did you talk to him about it? I asked Jim. 
I told him the same thing my assistant principal told me in kindergarten when I pulled my pants down in the library. 

Um, excuse me? This information should really have been disclosed before we had children, dear.

Jim asked him, Would you do that in church?
Would you do that in the grocery store?
Then don't do it in school.

3. Drew freckles on his face.

You have freckles, Danny. Why did you draw freckles on your face?
Because Brandon did it.
Well, why did Brandon do it?
Because he doesn't have freckles.
So if Brandon jumped off a bridge, would you?
Oh. Why not?
Because it's dangerous. 
He was silent for a moment and then said: 
But we can do it spring. That's how we cool off. 

So, basically he would jump off a bridge, but only in the springtime. Lovely.

4. Rang the magic bell. Wanted kids to look at him.

Now, the magic bell belongs to the teacher. She rings it. The kids are supposed to stop what they are doing and look at her. When I've been in the classroom and she's rung the bell, Danny freezes and looks. If I'm not doing the same, I get scolded. By a six year old.

Moooooom. You just have to look, he whispers.

A few from the awwwww file:

Want to listen to Jack Brown, Owen says. I had just turned on Pandora. He knows that mommy loves her Jackson Brown!

Want two more [carrots], Owen asks.
For you?
For brother and sister. And this is why I will hurt those two if they are mean to him.

Ow. My back, I say.
I'll go get backscratcher, Owen says. He is so sweet. He also goes and gets ice packs from the freezer whenever anyone gets hurt. It's hard to believe he's the same child who runs up to his siblings and just punches them. (I'm just waiting for him to get them an ice pack after he punches them.)

As for Fiona, she's still with us. She whines so darn much lately that I have NO IDEA what she is saying half the time. All mothers need a whine translator.

Till next time.

Friday, March 01, 2013


The February Plague edition

There really has not been a dry nose since Thanksgiving around here. When I mentioned the lingering illnesses to someone recently, they asked what the kids had.

Um, this week? Let's see ... stomach bug, runny noses, fever, coughs, ear infection.

Yep, I'm pretty sure we have the plague.

Sunday night I lost count of how many times I changed the girl's sheets and pajamas. There was even an emergency bath.

Monday and Tuesday I was sick. Thursday Fiona came down with an ear infection. I had Owen checked for good measure but the doctor couldn't even get enough wax out to see his eardrum.

He probably can't hear you very well, she commented. This explains so much right now. I couldn't tell if he was deaf or just exceptionally stubborn. And he's loud. Really, really loud.

That afternoon, I went to pick Danny up alone while my dad hung out with the other two. It was a nice change and chance to hang out with Danny alone. You never know where a conversation with him will go, though.

Owen has so much wax in his ear that he can't even hear us, I tell Danny.
We should yell at him, Danny replied. Well, that wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I had just called the doctor for an appointment.

And since Fiona did have a stomach virus earlier in the week, it lent some credence to constant, literal belly aching.

My belly hurts, Fiona tells me. She doesn't want to finish her dinner.
Does it hurt too much for a cookie?
No, no, I can eat the cookie and then throw it up.
Honey, that's called bulimia.


What was that [noise]? I ask, finding Danny atop a blanket that was a tent and the puzzle basket on the floor.
I tried to balance on [the blanket]. I just laughed and laughed.
How'd that work out for you?

Later when we told his father about it ...
That's not a good place for a tent, he wailed.
Um, Danny, that was not a good place to walk

You're halfly bald, Danny tells his father.

Owen did it, Fiona yells whenever something goes wrong. But usually, it's Fiona who stirs the pot. Case in point ...

Danny was hysterical (and rightly so) after his sister smashed his art project for no apparent reason. Really, I don't know what to do about her. She's a master tormentor. Danny had some ideas, though.

We should call her stupid for the rest of her life, he wailed.

When are we going on vacation? is Danny's constant question these days. He's been packing his craft tool box that his aunt and uncle gave him for Christmas.
Oh, no, my silly band broke, Danny wails. Get the hot glue.
You can't fix a silly band with hot glue, Jim says.
'Cause that would just be silly. 

Later on ...

See, I fixed it. I turned it into a duck, Jim says.

You guys are having little donuts without me? Jim says when he finds the kids scarfing down Cheerios.

If you throw a penny into water and make a wish, you will get it, Danny reports. This is big news to a 6 year old. I know because Brandon wished for a popsicle and he GOT IT.
Did you get one? Jim asked.
I didn't put in a penny.
Well, then it must work. 

Danny had his very first field trip this week, too. His class went to a local art museum. We asked him what he did there.

I didn't touch the pictures, he said. His father and I both howled with laughter. Danny was too tired to know what we were laughing about.

Here's hoping the plague lifts.